i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
