hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
