The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
