you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
