It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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