It's like a parade of train wrecks.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
