i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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