I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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