I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
