i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
