She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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