if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize