It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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