I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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