i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
