you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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