I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
two words...techno handjob
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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