I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize