Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
