I can text with my tongue
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
