if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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