I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
