I think my vagina is haunted
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
