Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
