I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
