Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
