I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize