I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize