Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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