Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize