i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
