I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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