Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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