These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
