I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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