I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
