So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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