I should be sponsored by Trojan
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
