I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
