I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
