That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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