I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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