You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
