i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
