apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
