he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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