i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize