Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
