you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
