You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
