Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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