No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
