Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
