fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I enjoy the company of your penis
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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