tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
